Many who have been in a relationship
know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up.
However, many do not know that no matter how long the relationship, you do not
need to spend months to years reminiscing and crying about the loved one you've
lost.
If things didn’t work out the way I wanted or imagined
they should, I was devastated. And disappointment for me wasn’t an ordinary
emotion. It was catastrophic. Once let down, I never fully recovered. I could
never forget, and the break never mended. Like a glass vase that you place on
the edge of a table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again. But the
problem wasn’t with the vase. Or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem
was that I kept putting them on the edge of tables.
Before I was dependent on my relationships to fulfill
my needs. I allowed those relationships to define my happiness or my sadness,
my fulfillment or my emptiness, my security, and even my self-worth. And so,
like the vase placed where it will inevitably fall, through those dependencies
I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up to be broken. And that’s
exactly what I found: one disappointment, one break after another.
Our weight was
only meant to be carried by God. We are told in the Quran: “…whoever rejects evil and
believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks.
And God hears and knows all things.” (Qur’an 2: 256.)
There is a crucial lesson in this verse: that there is
only one handhold that never breaks. There is only one place where we can lay
our dependencies. There is only one relationship that should define our
self-worth and only one source from which to seek our ultimate happiness,
fulfillment, and security. That place is God.
But this world is all about seeking those things
everywhere else. Some of us seek it in our careers, some seek it in wealth,
some in status. Some, like me, seek it in our relationships. And that’s exactly
where I spent much of my own life: seeking a way to fill my inner void.
Ultimately, the question was about the nature of the
dunya as a place of fleeting moments and temporary attachments. As a place
where people are with you today, and leave or die tomorrow. But this reality
hurts our very being because it goes against our nature. We, as humans, are
made to seek, love, and strive for what is perfect and what is permanent. We
are made to seek what’s eternal. We seek this because we were not made for this
life. Our first and true home was Paradise: a land that is both perfect and
eternal.
That’s why if we live in dunya with our hearts, it
breaks us. That’s why this dunya hurts. It is because the definition of dunya,
as something temporary and imperfect, goes against everything we are made to
yearn for. Allah put a yearning in us that can only be fulfilled by what is
eternal and perfect.
We must also realize that nothing happens without a
purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and
that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is
wrong. They are warnings that we need to make a change. Just like the pain of
being burned is what warns us to remove our hand from the fire, emotional pain
warns us that we need to make an internal change. That we need to detach. Pain
is a form of forced detachment. Like the loved one who hurts you again and
again and again, the more dunya hurts us, the more we inevitably detach from
it. The more we inevitably stop loving it.
Pain is a pointer
to our attachments. That which makes us cry, that which causes us most pain is
where our false attachments lie. And it is those things which we are attached
to as we should only be attached to Allah which become barriers on our path to
God. But the pain itself is what makes the false attachment evident. The pain
creates a condition in our life that we seek to change, and if there is
anything about our condition that we don’t like, there is a divine formula to
change it.
God says: “Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they
change what is within themselves.” (Qur’an, 13:11)
After years of falling into the same pattern of
disappointments and heartbreak, I finally began to realize something profound.
I had always thought that love of dunya meant being attached to material
things. And I was not attached to material things. I was attached to people. I
was attached to moments. I was attached to emotions. So I thought that the love
of dunya just did not apply to me. What I didn’t realize was that people, moments,
emotions are all a part of dunya. What I didn’t realize is that all the pain I
had experienced in life was due to one thing, and one thing only: love of dunya.
As soon as I began to have that realization, I started
to see what my problem was. I was expecting this life to be what it is not, and
was never meant to be: perfect. And being the idealist that I am, I was
struggling with every cell in my body to make it so. It had to be perfect. And
I would not stop until it was. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to this
endeavor: making the dunya into jannah. This meant expecting people around me
to be perfect. Expecting my relationships to be perfect. Expecting so much from
those around me and from this life. Expectations. Expectations. Expectations.
And if there is one recipe for unhappiness it is that: expectations. But herein
lay my fatal mistake. My mistake was not in having expectations; as humans, we should never lose hope. The problem was in
*where* I was placing those expectations and that hope. At the end of the day,
my hope and expectations were not being placed in God. My hope and expectations
were in people, relationships, means. Ultimately, my hope was in this dunya
rather than Allah.
And so I came to realize a very deep Truth. An ayah began
to cross my mind. It was an ayah I had heard before, but for the first time I
realized that it was actually describing me: “Those who rest not their hope
on their meeting with Us, but are pleased and satisfied with the life of the
present, and those who heed not Our Signs.” (Qur’an, 10:7)
By thinking that I can have everything here, my hope
was not in my meeting with God. My hope was in dunya. But what does it mean to
place your hope in dunya? How can this be avoided? It means when you have
friends, don’t expect your friends to fill your emptiness. When you get
married, don’t expect your spouse to fulfill your every need. When you’re an
activist, don’t put your hope in the results. When you’re in trouble don’t
depend on yourself. Don’t depend on people. Depend on God.
Seek the help of
people, but realize that it is not the people (or even your own self) that can
save you. Only Allah can do these things. The people are only tools, a means
used by God. But they are not the source of help, aid, or salvation of any kind.
Only God is. The people cannot even create the wing of a fly. And so,
even while you interact with people externally, turn your heart towards God.
Face Him alone, as Prophet Ibrahim (as) said so beautifully: “For me, I have set my face,
firmly and truly, towards Him Who created the heavens and the earth, and never
shall I give partners to Allah.” (Qur’an, 6:79)
But
how does Prophet Ibrahim (as) describe his journey to that point? He studies
the moon, the sun and the stars and realizes that they are not perfect. They
set.
So Prophet Ibrahim (as)
was thereby led to face Allah alone. Like him, we need to put our full hope,
trust, and dependency on God. And God alone. And if we do that, we will learn
what it means to finally find peace and stability of heart. Only then will the
roller coaster that once defined our lives finally come to an end. That is
because if our inner state is dependent on something that is by definition
inconstant, that inner state will also be inconstant. If our inner state is
dependent on something changing and temporary, that inner state will be in a
constant state of instability, agitation, and unrest. This means that one
moment we’re happy, but as soon as that which our happiness depended upon
changes, our happiness also changes. And we become sad. We remain always
swinging from one extreme to another and not realizing why.
We experience this emotional roller coaster because we
can never find stability and lasting peace until our attachment and dependency
is on what is stable and lasting. How can we hope to find constancy if what we
hold on to is inconstant and perishing? In the statement of Abu Bakr is a deep
illustration of this truth. After the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ died, the people went into
shock and could not handle the news. But although no one loved the Prophet ﷺ like Abu
Bakr, Abu Bakr understood well the only place where one’s dependency should
lie. He said: “If you worshipped Muhammad, know that Muhammad is dead. But if
you worshipped Allah, know that Allah never dies.”
To attain that
state, don’t let your source of fulfillment be anything other than your
relationship with God. Don’t let your definition of success, failure, or
self-worth be anything other than your position with Him (Qur’an, 49:13).
And if you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is
unbreakable. You become unconquerable, because your supporter can never be
conquered. And you will never become empty, because your source of fulfillment
is unending and never diminishes.
Here 13 Ways On How To Heal A Broken Heart And Lessen
The Pain Of Not Having Your Past Partner Anymore ♥
Although the path to completely moving on from your past
partner can only totally be cured by time, these are some of the ways that can
speed it up and help you move on with a lighter heart.
1. Get rid of such objects that remind you of the person who broke your heart. Don’t return them
to that person, don’t burn them. Just keep them far from your reach. Get rid of photos, letters, emails, gifts and other items
2. Avoid that person if possible. Try to minimize meetings with your former love. Avoid re-reading
the old messages; don’t quickly jump into answering their calls or quickly replying their messages.
3. Analyze the reasons why you feel bad, think of ways in which some of these reasons can be eliminated or avoided.
4. Remember why the romance ended. The relationship ended because you were not meant to be and you deserve better. God wanted to find you someone better who will truly love you the way you are, someone who won’t accuse you all the time.
5. Remember and have hope that there will be better days ahead for you to be happy because life goes on.
6. Spend more time with your friends and family. Have fun with them
7. If you do not work out or exercise, start doing that, as it helps to reduce stress and depression. Exercise will help improve your body and self- image.
8. Take a bath or shower when feeling very unhappy sometimes
9. Start a new hobby or pastime. The pleasure of accomplishing something will counter act to the feelings of sadness.
10. Keep yourself busy.
11. Find activities to do that make you happy. Stay away from sad movies and the like. Go watch movies to the cinema, watch any interesting game.
12. Listen to music that gets adrenaline rushing; do not listen to slow, sad or romantic songs.
13. Meet new people, you might find someone who will heal your heart and make u happy again..Wow am done..Hope it make sense..?
1. Get rid of such objects that remind you of the person who broke your heart. Don’t return them
to that person, don’t burn them. Just keep them far from your reach. Get rid of photos, letters, emails, gifts and other items
2. Avoid that person if possible. Try to minimize meetings with your former love. Avoid re-reading
the old messages; don’t quickly jump into answering their calls or quickly replying their messages.
3. Analyze the reasons why you feel bad, think of ways in which some of these reasons can be eliminated or avoided.
4. Remember why the romance ended. The relationship ended because you were not meant to be and you deserve better. God wanted to find you someone better who will truly love you the way you are, someone who won’t accuse you all the time.
5. Remember and have hope that there will be better days ahead for you to be happy because life goes on.
6. Spend more time with your friends and family. Have fun with them
7. If you do not work out or exercise, start doing that, as it helps to reduce stress and depression. Exercise will help improve your body and self- image.
8. Take a bath or shower when feeling very unhappy sometimes
9. Start a new hobby or pastime. The pleasure of accomplishing something will counter act to the feelings of sadness.
10. Keep yourself busy.
11. Find activities to do that make you happy. Stay away from sad movies and the like. Go watch movies to the cinema, watch any interesting game.
12. Listen to music that gets adrenaline rushing; do not listen to slow, sad or romantic songs.
13. Meet new people, you might find someone who will heal your heart and make u happy again..Wow am done..Hope it make sense..?
Trust me it works… salam
